So many things that I can't keep up!

Recent events

• Maria was in Intensive Care in the local hospital for 4 weeks and RA wouldn't visit. I wonder what he really feels for anyone. Is there a living person he loves? Apart from himself of course.
• Maria died. RA showed no feelings - seemed to be totally disconnected from it all. 
• He refused to go to the church for her funeral. However I managed to sort that by asking my sister in law to speak with him. She got him out of bed and into his clothes in five minutes. He's still a bit careful not to let the extended family see his true self. He was there to see the church full of friends, to see all his family crying,  to hear his father speak beautifully about his mother. That evening he asked if he can move to another bedroom now that we have the whole house.
• He is with us now. We had a talk about money and helping in the house. He seemed more reasonable than usual. He seemed to understand that stealing doesn't help people trust you.
• This morning he was discovered stealing coins from Jordi's collection. This was carefully set out in albums, in date order and going back years. Now there are gaps all over the books which add up to over 100 euros.
• Later the same day - one to remember! - we discovered he hasn't been going to school for weeks. He sits in a local cafe and plays games on the machines.
• An appointment has been made with the psychologist for next week

So what's new with you?

Poker face

It was a shock and it happened the night before I was leaving to return to England. Jordi opened his bank statement and saw several payments made by internet to an online poker game. It totalled over 200 euros. We knew his son Marc had been playing online for a while but he had said it was only for fun not for money. He was underage but at the time it seemed harmless.
Not now!
I left for England with everything unresolved. As always getting back to my old home meant facing a huge pile of mail. The next day I started opening and filing and found bank statements for one account which showed further payments to the online poker game Pokerstars.com. My bill totalled 800 euros - about £600.
The rest of the holiday went by in a blur of phonecalls and speculations. Jordi confronted his son who denied all knowledge of the payments. He got angry and stormed out of the house to go back to his mothers. She - never slow to find fault with Jordi and his parenting skills - believed Marc's story, blamed Jordi for making false accusations and clearly welcomed the chance to score some points with her son.
In the end I managed to convince the bank that my credit card had been stolen and used without my knowledge. I got all the money back. But the loss of trust in Marc could not be so easily resolved and thus began the situation that we still find ourselves in.
Key points that perhaps may be familiar to others are

• the child refuses to admit what he did
• the parents respond with disbelief and/or shame
• sometimes the parent prefers to live in denial of the problem
• sometimes the parent doesn't know how to respond so does nothing
• the child plays on all these feelings and doesn't have to live with consequences - there are no consequences that he cares about.

For me, a stepmother and also a foreigner, it was confusing and frustrating. I wanted to have it all out in a big talk. I wanted sanctions or at least a chance to make him feel uncomfortable but I had to play it gently as too easily I became the ogre who wouldn't allow them to forget what had happened. Jordi once told me I was obsessing about it. He wanted to believe it was a one-off event that would just stop now that we all knew about it.
I am more distanced from the deep feelings that make parents ambivalent. I just wanted something to happen. I had been worried for a long time about Marcs lack of concern for others. In my bad moments I felt he was mad and bad. In a more understanding mood I would feel for his confusion about life and his place in it.
I wanted a visit to a counsellor.  Jordi doesn't like professional helpers and felt he could deal with it himself.
In effect this meant doing nothing at all.
I just had to wait until the next thing would remind him that his son has some deeper problems.

A prayer answered

One of the problems we have faced concerning the RA's stealing habit has been that his mother - the X wife - refused to believe he was doing it. On one occasion when RA was caught with a missing 60 euros in his coat pocket, he accused me of planting it there to get him into trouble. OK - I was pissed off with him but when we were all there in the living room talking about it, it was more like a stupid joke. He knew and we knew that it wasn't true.
But a few days later I heard that the X was telling other people that I had put money in her sons pocket. This was when I started to see red. I try to be as honest in my life as possible. If a shop gives me too much change I always return it. I believe in the Buddhist principle of not taking something if it is not freely given. And I care about my reputation. Also I didn't like the X walking past me on the street with her nose in the air and her head turned away.
So I went a little bit on strike. I cooked less when RA was home. I didn't get in his way but neither did I help him. We were still speaking to each other but if he was just grunting on the couch attached to his mobile and messenger then I didn't bother trying to communicate with him.
This wasn't my immediate reaction. First I felt huge rage and then terrible sadness. I saw the future stretching ahead with a fast deteriorating relationship not only between RA and me but of course it would affect my partner and myself. He wants someone who helps him in parenting. I feel totally powerless because my instinct would be to get professional help. Or at least to deal with it head on. But his approach is much more softly softly and he continues to hope that things will change by themselves.
I went up to see my mother in law - in tears. She is also worried by the situation but she wants me to take on the role of helpmate. She feels that this man and this boy really need me and my skills and I must just get on with it. The woman's role in life! Do I remember that once I was a feminist?

Anyway, to cut to the end of this story. So far RA has been only stealing money from us. Yesterday he finally cracked and gave into the temptation to take 50 euros from his mothers purse. Of course he denied it but she knew it was him and she started to go through the rollercoaster of emotions that hit us last year. Anger. Sadness. Fear for the future. Guilt about what has gone wrong.
I heard the phonecall as she talked it all over with my partner. I had to leave the room to hide my smile and my reaction of 'YES'. Perhaps now something will get done about it. EArlier that day I had prayed - please make him steal from another person so we can begin to find a way out of this situation?
And someone heard me

Where To Begin?

Yesterday the RA tried to steal some more money. I was pleased because it proved to his father beyond doubt that he is not to be trusted. We have been hiding money and credit cards for several months now but each time his father, after an initial shock and horror reaction, returns like a homing pigeon to his default position. 'He's a good boy at heart' 'He will come out of this phase' and the worst one 'You are making too much of it'

Background information

• I live in Catalunya with my Catalan partner
• His 15 year old son lives with us two weeks out of every four
• Last September we found out - from the bank statements - that he had used both our credit cards to play online poker
• He denied it vehenmently and said it must be a computer hacker.
• I lost 800 euros over a period of two weeks
• Since then there have been several instances of money going missing. 
• Finally he admitted - under pressure - that he took 60 euros from his fathers pocket. His reason? 'because you wouldn't give me my Christmas money'

Of course there are lots of other issues.  Things like homework, use of computer, rude and unhelpful attitude, refusal to shower or clean teeth, 24 hour connection to mobile phone running up large bills. These things are considered 'normal' I think for an adolescent. But the stealing and lying? It has moved us into another dimension.
I am new to stepmotherhood.  I have no other children and I am living in a different country trying to learn the language as well as the customs. None of it is easy and I am hoping that writing this blog will help keep me sane and stop me having to walk out and 'go home'.
I am often tempted to do it.
But I'll keep all this for another post.