A Little More Information

Everyone knows it is not easy living with adolescents and this is multiplied one hundred fold if you are a step parent. Perhaps even more so for a step parent who has never had children.
I arrived in this family at the worst time. I didn't have the childhood days where we all played games and laughed and cuddled on the couch. I came straight into a situation of warfare. The battles were on these fronts

• Homework - he very rarely does it and the school repeatedly sends reports of poor results
• School attendance - he often doesn't go to classes. There is a nearby cafe where the boys play table football and they can sometimes be found there during school hours.
• Food - every meal time is stressful. He won't eat salad or vegetables unless bribed or threatened. He likes meat but if it is cooked in an unfamiliar way (remember here that I come from a different culture and so all my food is classed as unfamiliar) Early on I asked him to look at a Jamie Oliver book and chose the things he would like me to make. He refused.
• Computer - now he isn't allowed on the computer without supervision (see a later story about internet gambling) - but when I first arrived he was spending hours and hours playing games and making music. He would agree to stop at a certain time but then refuse when that time arrived. When the password was changed to try and control his access, he just changed it all back again.  We ended up hiding the antennae for wifi - something else to remember every day and of course the hiding places became more and more obscure as he discovered them one by one.
• Washing - he could happily go for weeks without a shower or a bath. When he was playing badmington regularly he might shower at the club but sometimes he just said he had, then his towel was discovered to be dry and clean.
• Hygiene in general.  He almost never washes his teeth. His clothes lie in piles on the floor. His coat pockets are stuffed with old mouldy sandwiches that he has discarded in favour of a beefburger from the cafe. In the mornings he sloshes cologne over himself to cover up the smell

This was just the beginning. And for those of you who are thinking 'this is normal - poor boy, his parents split up, noone helps look after him and now they blame him for having poor habits'.....it doesn't seem like that on the ground.
If only those were the only things. If only he also laughed and joked and sometimes had excited conversations with his father.
He is rude and lazy, cut off and distant, only interested in what money his father will give him and what new things he can buy. He does get excited about somethings - like the idea of a new mobile!
He lies consistently about his life - his homework, money, school ....
He arrogantly assumes that he will get into the course he wants to study computers even though his school results have been terrible each term.
And of course he has good points. We have had many trips away all together and then we relax and it can be fun. Sometimes he and I form an alliance against his father who can also be stubborn and opinionated. When we are away I see more the little boy who lacks confidence and can't go into a cafe to order another coke.
But then the stealing started....and the refusal to admit it......and later the shrugged shoulders when it was proved to be him.
I forgot to mention the guns. Coming from a more pacifist family he of course got heavily into guns from a young age. His father has confiscated so many guns we could start a shop. The house is full of little white plastic balls that are used for ammunition. He goes off with friends to a special place to play war games - noone stops him from going - but it is something of a shock when you see him in the living room cleaning his replica machine gun.
This is my situation. My challenge is to stay cool, keep open and hopefully help a little with his growing up while also maintaining my own boundaries and values. I want to use this blog to gather information about all these issues and find out how other people survive.